“Your child leaving is a milestone, but your life continuing is the point.” – Anthony Damaschino
My husband and I have been living by ourselves for almost 3 years already. All our children have places of their own and are busy living their own lives. We’re officially an empty nest.
Being an empty nester is a major life transition where we experienced mixed emotions. While we are happy and proud to see our children living independently and creating their own mark, there are always moments when sadness and loneliness will just don on us. While we enjoy our newfound freedom and personal rediscovery, we miss the routines and schedules we had with our children.
One thing I realized, navigating the empty nest phase is not as easy as it looks. It requires a combination of letting go, adjusting and adapting to changes and rediscovering your spouse and the new you.
Here’s a FACT: No matter how much we love our children, we cannot make them our whole life. There will come a point that they will leave our home to live their own life. They will pursue a career and have their own family that will consume their time and efforts. Visits will be few and far between and phone calls/text messages will be less frequent as they are busy with their own loads, worries and hurries. It doesn’t mean that they love us less, life just takes them. This is part of the letting go.
But the TRUTH is: While our children are busy with their own lives, we can continue living our own life. Our purpose in life does not end when our children leave. Realize that you now have the time, energy, and financial means to pursue those personal hobbies, passions, and advocacies that you were not able to pursue when you were busy attending to your kids (and career). Find what will make you feel “alive” again. I am glad that while our children share the new things in their lives, I also have my own new experiences to share. My children are even surprised and amazed that at my age, I am still discovering, learning and doing new things about life and myself.
Here’s another FACT: Health is no longer automatic and guaranteed. When we were young, we feel we can do everything physically possible. We do things to our body and health without regard for the consequences. We feel invincible. But as we grow old, our bodily system is affected, leading to brittle bones, loss of muscle mass, drier and thinner skin/hair, slower reflexes, etc. Every body pain, every doctor’s visit, and every meds taken is reminding us that while the spirit is willing, the flesh is already weak. And we are experiencing all these, now that we are alone.
But the TRUTH is: We can do our own self-care. Only now, taking care of our body and health is something we need to do intentionally. Personally, I feel that I am doing more self-care now than I did 20 years ago. I do my daily stretch and exercise, I eat healthier food, I drink more water, and I do my regular check-up (including derma). I am also conscious in protecting my mental health. I build my own source of joy and happiness instead of waiting to receive them from others. I maintain a small circle of friends and avoid toxic people. I try to be an energy giver and not an energy sucker. I do all these deliberately and intentionally without anyone needing to remind me. I owe it to myself. Self-care is not vanity…for me, it’s self-preservation.
The brutal FACT is: Most empty nesters are no longer actively earning. But our spending does not stop when we stop earning. The thing is, no one is responsible for financially supporting and saving us during our empty nest phase except ourselves. It is up to us to ensure that we continue to have the resource to financially support our needs and wants. If you are someone who has pinned your hope on your children to finance your retirement years, think again. Our children have their own financial obligations to worry about. They have their own family to provide for. Good if they volunteer to provide for us but we can never make it their responsibility.
But the TRUTH is: We can continue to live with dignity and financial freedom with proper preparation. Start planning for your retirement or empty nest phase while you’re still young. Do not start a week before you retire. Throughout my entire “working” years, I did 3 things to prepare for my empty nest phase: Save, Protect. Invest. I saved to have the emergency funds to cover immediate unexpected needs. I purchased insurance protection, in case I am suddenly taken out of the picture. And I invested to grow our money for our future needs, such as retirement. These preparation allowed me to have choice, peace, dignity as an empty nester. The best gift I can give to myself.
Becoming an empty nester has its own challenges and opportunities. But we have a choice: take the back seat and silently fade into the background, or step forward and continue learning, discovering and living. I am definitely choosing the latter. How about you?!
